State of the Union

(Applause) Thank you, Thank you, no please, thank you (more applause) your too kind, thank you (applause dies down) hey, why did you stop, I am the president after all, no, only kidding folks!!
Good evening, lets get right to the mess that George Bush left for me. When I took over the office of President, the economy was in shambles thanks to Bush and his cronies. Business were struggling, but they were making it. I am so glad to say that most of those businesses are no longer struggling today, because they are no longer in business, I have made those businesses struggle less! (applause) Also, when I took office, unemployment was at a horrendous 4.5%. America can do better. I took that number, and I more than doubled it, and now...(applause) and now, it is almost at 11%, isn't that amazing. I have fixed that problem, you know, the one caused by the Bush Administration and his cronies (Democrats booing Bush administration). Now, come on, be nice!
I have taken the struggling car companies, and I have made them part of the government so that they no longer have to struggle with their own money, now they can struggle with the American peoples money instead, Bush would have never thought of that! (thunderous applause). I, Barack Obama, single handily saved all of the banks by forcing them to spend all of your hard earned cash on new bank buildings, and not loaning you, the American people any more money, but making sure that all they are going to do is trade that money among themselves so that they can get rich again, so I can blame Bush and his cronies for the next bank crises. (applause)
Now, lets not forget some of my campaign promises that I would have kept if it wasn't for Bush and his cronies (democrats boo again) okay, okay, um, uh, um, uh, um, uh, okay, the teleprompter is back. I would have healed the oceans with my touch, but Bush and the minority party blocked me from getting to the ocean so I could touch and heal it, so it is also the Republicans fault and not just George Bush's fault. (applause from Democrats). And what about global warming. Heck, just the other day is was 12 degrees in East Texas! I think I may have cooled the earth down a little too much with my skills! (thunderous laughter). I mean, come on, Bush was too stupid to cool the earth, but I obviously have it down! (more laughter, Bush was dumb chant from Democrat side of the building) Quiet down now, quiet down.
Let us also discuss the state of Massachusetts. Ted Kennedy's seat went to a man who rode the same anger at Bush to victory that I did in my masterful campaign that i ran alone and by my most awesome self. (confused applause) I think we all need to understand that I alone am the answer to all of America's questions, and no one else.
And finally, I promised to get health care reform done in less than a year. Did I? Yes, but the 40 republicans in the senate used the left over George Bush will power and blocked me!! I could have brought affordable health care to all (except the rich of course, they would be paying out the ...) (monstrous applause) but the party of no stopped us. If you are unhappy like mass. was, why not vote for a Democrat instead of a Republican next time, I mean, really, your are mad at Bush so you vote in a Republican? that don't make no sense!!
In closing, I would like to once again remind you of what a success my first year in office was, how I have fixed everything I could, but it was hard to fight for all of you little people with George Bush fighting so hard against me at every corner that I turned. Remember, hope for change, the hope of the change is the change that you have all hoped for in (applause rising from the Democrats) the hope that will bring the change that America needs!!! (applause now deafening)
Thank you, and the Deity of your choosing bless Barack Obama!!!!